The Future Revealed – How CIOs Became Extinct
- Details
- Written by Dave Carey
While browsing a junk shop in a dodgy part of St. John’s recently, I happened across a curious object, a fist-sized orb covered in a tracery of peculiar hieroglyphics. I bought it, took it home, and was in the middle of examining it when a remarkable thing happened. The orb suddenly opened and up popped the figure of a tiny chimpanzee, dressed in scholarly robes and puffing meditatively on a pipe.
“Welcome to the Encyclopedia Galactica, ‘Planet Earth, Third Millennium’ Edition. Please state the period and subject matter you are interested in,” said the ape.
Needless to say, I was gobsmacked. Was it possible that I had stumbled upon some future reference work that had somehow found its way back through time to that musty little shop? I was determined to find out.
“”What can you tell me about the early 2000s?” I asked.
“You must be more specific,” the ape replied, picking a louse from its ear and eating it. “Please use the index.”
He drew on his pipe and exhaled a large puff of smoke filled with countless floating blobs the size of poppy seeds.
Whenever my eyes focussed on one, it would begin to flicker, and in my mind’s eye I could see a scrolling list of contents.
Having long been involved in the field of IT, I was intrigued by this entry: “Glossary of Information Technology Terms, 2000 to 2100”. A moment later, the entry expanded into a list of terms, and my eyes settled on one that I was particularly curious about: “Chief Information Officer”. Suddenly a holographic document appeared, and this is what was written on it…
Chief Information Officer (aka CIO): Corporate executive with responsibility for managing a variety of information-carrying devices common in the first century of the Third Millennium, especially computers. For more on computers, see “Decline of Human Intelligence”. See also “How Social Media Murdered Society”, and “Top Ten Galactic Time-saving Inventions that Backfired Catastrophically”.
The role of Chief Information Officer holds the Guinness World Record for appearances on the annual “Job Titles Most Likely to Fail” list, with pundits predicting its imminent demise for 63 consecutive years. Ironically, the role of CIO long outlived that of Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer, and Chief Marketing Officer, whose job functions all became obsolete due to technology implemented by the CIO.
With the rise of ever more sophisticated robots and cyborgs, all jobs on earth went extinct by the year 2097. As the custodians of advanced technology, CIOs were able to stave off the inevitable until the mid-2080s, outlasted only by plumbers (not even cyborgs wanted that job) and – again ironically – buggy-whip makers, who gained a second life when the exploding leisure class decided to return to its pastoral roots.
Earth’s last living CIO – one Algernon Willoughby-Osborne of Tunbridge Wells, England – was put on display in the Pan-Galactic Zoo on Chronos 9, where he still lives today – a robust 763 years young – thanks to his daily regimen of eternity pills and simulated scotch whisky. His enclosure is a fully functional computing environment identical the one in which he worked at the time of his termination. Willoughby-Osborne spends 95% of his waking hours trying to fix the computer glitch that caused his company’s global manufacturing facilities to disappear into hyperspace. Since the day of his firing, his vocabulary has been restricted to a single word, “Hadley!”, which he frequently blurts while working on the glitch, much to the amusement of zoo visitors. It remains unknown what a hadley is.
Past Attendees
ADP - VP Architecture & Infrastructure
AESO - VP, Information Technology
Agnico Eagle Mines - VP, IT
Agrium - Global Mgr., IT Security
Agrium - Senior Director IT Shared Services
Aimia - SVP & Global CIO
Ainsworth Engineered - Director IT
Air Canada Vacations - Director IT
Alberta Energy Regulator - Director, Office of the CIO
Anthem Properties - VP IS
AON Risk Solutions Canada - Head of IT
Avison Young - VP Global Enterprise Architecture & Integration
Aviva Canada - VP, Architecture & Strategy
Bank of America Merrill Lynch - CTO
BC Ferry Services - VP & CIO
Bell Business Markets - Director, Strategy & Planning
Bell Canada - National Director, Digital Transformation
Bellatrix Exploration - Director, Information Technology
Bentall Kennedy - VP IT
BFL CANADA - CIO
BFL CANADA - Director, Cybersecurity & IT Risk Management
Black Press - CTO
BlackBerry - VP Corporate IT
BMO Financial Group - Director, Technology & Operations Transformation
BMO Financial Group - Head of Services Delivery
Bombardier Aerospace - CISO
Bonavista Petroleum - Head of IT
Borden Ladner Gervais LLP - Global CIO
Bow Valley College - Director, IT Services
Bridgewater Bank - Head of IT
BuildDirect - VP IT
Bulk Barn - Head, IT
Burnco - CIO
Caisse de Depot et Placement du Quebec - VP, IT Planning, Architecture, Governance, Operations
Calfrac Well Services - Head of IT
Canada Goose - CTO
Canada Live - VP of Technology
Canada Mortgage and Housing - VP, Information & Technology
Canada Protection Plan - Head of IT
Canadian Depository for Securities - CIO
Canadian Direct Insurance - CTO
Canadian Payments Association - VP & CIO
Canucks Sports - Head of IT
Capgemini - Service Delivery Director
CAPREIT - CIO
Cardel Homes - VP MIS
Cargojet - CIO
CBI Health Group - CIO
CCS Corp. - VP IT
CDSPI - Board Director
Centerra Gold - Director IT & Comm
CI Global Asset Management - VP of Enterprise Infrastructure $amp; Operations
CIBC - Senior Director, Infrastructure Planning & Engineering
CIBC - SVP & CIO, Retail and Business Banking Technology
CIBC Mellon - AVP, Enterprise Architecture
CIBC Mellon - SVP & CIO
Cineplex Entertainment - CTO
City of Brampton - Senior Manager, IT Architecture & Planning
City of Richmond Hill - CIO
City of Toronto - Director of Strategic Planning & Architecture
CN Rail Service - Chief Information Security Officer
Coast Capital Savings - VP Technology
Colliers - Head of Technology & Data
Concordia University - AVP & CIO
Crescent Point Energy - Head of IT
Dairy Farmers of Ontario - Head of IT and Administration
Dale Parizeau Morris Mackenzie - VP, IT
Davies Ward Phillips & Vineberg LLP - Director, Information Technology
DealerTrack Canada - Director, Technology
Defence Construction Canada - Corporate Manager, IT
Deloitte - Director, Risk Advisory
Dentons - Canada CIO
Devon Energy - Director, Integrated Business Services
Direct Cash - VP IT & Security
Dynamic Tire Corp - CIO
D+H Partnership - VP, Head of Canadian Mortgage Technology
eHealth - EVP, Technology
eHealth Ontario - VP, IT Systems & Services
Encana - Director, InfoSec
Enbridge Inc. - VP, Technology and Information Services
Enerflex - CIO
Enerplus - VP. IS
ENMAX - VP, IT & PMO
Equitable Bank - CIO
Equitable Bank - CISO
Equity Financial Trust - VP, IT
Essential Energy Services - Director, IT
Expedia Cruise Ship Centers - VP IS
FGL Sports - VP, Information Technology
Finastra - SVP, Head Technology Managed Services
Fix Auto Canada - COO & SVP
Flightnetwork.com - CIO
Freedom Mobile - Head, Customer Applications, Experience, & Strategy
FT Services - CIO
FundServ - CIO
Genus Capital Management - CTO
Genworth Financial Inc. - VP IT
Geotab - Board Member
Golder Associates - CTO
Gran Tierra Energy - Director IT
Grant Thornton LLP - CIO
Grand River Hospital - Director, Data Governance & Analytics
Greenwin Inc - VP, Information Technology
Groupe Dynamite - Director, IT
GSK Canada - IT Director
GTAA - Acting CIO
H&R Block Canada - VP IT
Haventree Bank - VP, Technology
Hewitt Equipment Ltd. - VP & CIO
Hitachi Vantara - GVP & Global CTO
Home Trust Company - CIO
Home Trust Company - CTO
Home Trust Company - VP & CISO
Horizon North Logistics - CIO
HSB Canada - VP IT
IBM Canada - Associate Partner, Payments Industry
Indigo Books and Music - CIO
Interac Corp - Director, Platform Engineering
ivari - SVP & CIO
JP Morgan Chase Canada - Executive Director, Information Risk Management
Keyera Energy - Director, Information Technology
KFC Canada - CTO
KnowledgeOne - CIO
LaFarge Canada - Director, IT
Landmark Cinemas Canada - VP, IT
LAWPRO - CIO
LCBO - Director, Applications Systems
LCBO - SVP & CIO
Leisureworld Senior Care Corp - VP IS
Lifeguard Digital Health - Chief Security & Informatics Officer
Loblaw Companies Ltd - Senior Director, Customer Engagement Technology
London Drugs - GM IT
Loto-Quebec - Corporate Director, InfoSec
Magna International Inc - VP & Global Leader, IT (CIO)
Manulife - Global Head of Private Markets & Real Estate Technology
March Networks - VP Professional Services & CIO
MaRS Discovery District - Managing Director, Fintech and Commerce
McCain Foods Limited - Manager InfoSec
McInnis Cement - Director of Information Technology
Medical Pharmacies Group - VP, Information Technology
MEG Energy - Manager, Information Technology Solutions & Services
Metrolinx - EVP & CIO
Minto Group - VP IT
MMM Group - CIO
Montreal Police Service - CIO
Morguard Investments - CIO
Moulding & Millwork - CIO
MullenLowe Group - Global CIO
National Bank of Canada - Information Security Officer
National Capital Commission - Chief, IT infrastructure & Support Services
NHL Players' Association - Head, Security & Technology
Northbridge Financial Corp - CIO
OEC Group Canada - Vice President, Information Technology and Client solutions
ODAIA - CEO
Oildex - VP, Architecture & Infrastructure
OPTrust - AVP, Enterprise Data Services
Olympia Financial Group - CIO
OMERS - EVP, Data & Technology
OMERS - SVP IT
OMERS - SVP, Data & Advanced Analytics
Ontario Pension Board - CTO
Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan - SVP, Product & Delivery
Ontario Trillium Foundation - CIO
Osum Oil Sands Corp - Manager, IS
Ottawa Police Service - CIO
Pacific Western Transportation - CIO
Packers Plus - Global IT Director
Pason Systems - Manager, Digital Communications & Corporate IT
Patient News - CTO
Peel District School Board - CIO
Pengrowth Corp - Director IS
Penn West Exploration - Snr. Manager, IT Operations
Peterson Investment Group - Head of IT
PFB Corp. - CIO
Pizza Pizza - CIO & VP, IT
Precision Drilling - VP, IT
Precision Drilling - Director, IT Infrastructure & Security
PSP Investments - Snr. Director, Internal Audit & Business Infosec
Public Works and Government Services Canada - Director, IT Security Directorate
PwC - Managing Director, Real Estate Technology Advisory
Pythian - CTO
Qantas - Global CIO
Queen's University - Director, Information Technology
RBC Royal Bank - Head of Application Security, Data Protection & Security Consulting
RBC Royal Bank - VP, Technology Platforms & Risk Management
RBC Royal Bank - Global Cybersecurity VP
Regal Lifestyle Communities - CIO
Revera Inc. - CIO
Revera Inc. - Security Architect
Rheem Manufacturing - CISO & Enterprise Architect
Ricoh Canada - VP,IT
RioCan Property Services - VP IT
Roche - Head of IT Americas – Operations
Rogers Communications - SVP, Customer Experience IT
ROM - CIO
Russel Metals - VP,IS
Salvation Army Canada - Board Director
SCI Group - CIO
Scotiabank - Head, Systems Architecture & Platform Modernization
Scotiabank - VP - International Systems Technology
Scotiabank - Head, System Architecture & Platform Modernization
Scotiabank - Global Head, GBM Compliance & Transformation
Sears Canada - Divisional VP, Information Technology Services
Secure Energy Services - GM, IT
Shaw - Head, Customer Applications, Experience, & Strategy
Shaw Communications - VP, Technology Operations
Shaw Communications - Director, Risk Management
SMART Technologies - Director, IS Corporate Services
Smartcentres - Director IS, IT
SmartOne Solutions - President & CIO
Societe de Transport de Montreal - Division Head - Security and Compliance
Street Capital Financial - CIO
Sun Life Financial - AVP, Data & Business Intelligence Services
Sun Life Financial - VP Application Ops & Services
Sunco Communication - COO
Suncor Energy Inc. - Director, Application Portfolio Optimization, I&PM, Business Services
Symcor - CTO, VP Technology Services
Talisman Energy - SVP IT & Business Services
TD Bank - Enterprise Architect
Teknion - SVP, CIO
TELUS - Chief Security Architect
Tervita Corporation - VP, Information Technology
The Hudsons Bay Company - VP Technology
The Hudson's Bay Company - SVP & CIO
The Source - VP, Information Technology
TMX Group - CISO & Global Head of Infrastructure Services
Toromont Industries - VP & CIO
Toronto District School Board - Chief Technology Officer
Toronto Hospital for Sick Children - Director of Technology
Toronto Parking Authority - CIO
Toronto Police Services - CISO
Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) - Chief Enterprise Architect
Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) - CIO
Toyota Canada - National Manager, IS
Transamerica Life Canada - CIO
Trican Well Services Ltd. - Director, Business Information Systems
Tridel Corporation - CIO
Trillium Health Partners - IT Director, Applications & Clinical Informatics
UFA Cooperative - VP & CIO
University of Calgary - Executive Director, Development Services
University of Ottawa - CIO
University of Ottawa - Senior Director IT Services & Infrastructure
University of Toronto - Director, Centre for Management & Technology
University of Waterloo - Director, Technology Entrepreneurship
Valencia Risk - Managing Director
Vancity - VP Technology & Solutions
Viterra - Director Enterprise Technology
Wawanesa Mutual Insurance Company - Director of Innovation Outpost
World Health - Director IT
Wolseley Canada - CIO & COO
WSIB - Board Director
Yellow Pages Group - Director - Enterprise Data Management
York Region District School Board - CIO
York University - Board Director
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