Three Resolutions for the Pragmatic CIO
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- Written by Dave Carey
It’s still early enough in the new year to make some resolutions, if you haven’t already done so. Your personal resolutions are your own business, so I’m not going to encourage you to go on a butt-reduction regime – either ciggies or posterior.
As I’ve been closely connected to the CIO community for two decades, I can, however, advise on your workplace resolutions. Here are a few that are guaranteed to make your life as a CIO happier, healthier, or a little less onerous.
Resolution 1: Make Succession Planning a Priority
You know in your heart of hearts that there’s no one inside or outside of the company that can do the job of CIO as well as you. Still, you owe it to the company to prepare it for your departure. Of course, how you prepare it depends on how they’ve treated you over the years.
If the company has treated you fairly, it is incumbent on you to find the best replacement possible. Candidates of your caliber will (a.) currently belong to MENSA, (b.) list “pentathlon” as a hobby on their resume (even though your most athletic pursuit is the 20-yard dash to the office kitchen on Tuesday mornings, when Marj brings in her chocolate muffins), and (c.) be no worse than a 14 handicap when playing by the strict rules of golf (or a 9 handicap when playing your usual one mulligan per hole and 6-foot gimmes). And oh yes, IT management experience is a definite advantage.
If the company has treated you poorly, designate Hadley, manager of special IT projects, as your successor. Yes, you loathe him, and it goes against the grain to recommend him for promotion. But he’s so far under-qualified that he’ll be miserable in the job… and before long he’ll be fired. So this way you get to stick it to the company and Hadley at the same time.
Resolution 2: Put Your Security House in Order
Yes, the company has been hacked, spoofed, Trojan-horsed and wormed to death over the last few years. But you’ve survived it all because (a.) your company’s crown jewels wouldn’t fetch a twenty-dollar Tim’s card on the Black Market and (b.) the executive team is more focussed on Velma, the personal assistant to the CEO, and Davies, Fredrickson and Krapchuk, legal representatives of Delores, soon to be extremely wealthy ex-wife of the CEO.
The best thing to do in order to put your security house in order is to have a strong contingency plan. If a catastrophic breach does take place, the contingency plan will ameliorate the situation. It is actually quite a simple matter to put an effective contingency plan in place. Here is all you need to know: blame Hadley. You see the beauty of it? In one fell swoop you have wiped your slate clean and shafted Hadley at the same time.
Resolution 3: Make Peace with the Millennials
Let’s face it, if there’s anything that sticks in your craw it’s those self-important little peckerwoods who can’t relieve themselves without posting it on Facebook. Still, we are told to coddle them, are we not? They are the future of the company. What would we do without them?
Personally, I subscribe to the philosophy of one Homer J. Simpson, who asserted: “The children [read Millennials] are our future… unless we stop them now!”
CIOs have long had a rocky relationship with the youth of the day. First it was Gen X, then Gen Y, and now the Millennials (somebody out there has a nice cottage industry making up names for these kids).
As we all know, it’s the Millennials that now cause CIOs heartburn. They have a huge sense of entitlement, they want instant gratification and boundless personal freedom, they don’t give a rat’s ass about data security – either their own or the company’s – and they refuse to work for anyone who won’t let them play on their toys all day long.
For CIOs who prefer to be on cruise control until retirement, these are the enemy. But how do you make peace with them (i.e. keep the heartburn to a minimum) when you barely even understand the little buggers? Happily, I have the solution. Here are three tips that will have them eating out of your hand without even raising a sweat.
First, let it drop in casual conversation with a couple of the more credulous Millennials that you are the uncle of “a singer you may have heard of – Katy Perry. Apparently she’s quite popular with the younger set.” This of course will go viral in the company within minutes. Mention that you will be having her over for dinner at some undetermined time in the future, and that you are thinking of inviting two or three of the more productive young employees for a meet and greet.
Second, have private one-on-ones with each of your Millennial employees. Tell them you like the cut of their jib, and that they are destined for great things within the company. Tell them that you plan to take a personal hand in their advancement, assuming of course that they show the great industry and dedication that you know they are capable of.
Finally, convene a meeting of all your Millennials at some hip establishment and ply them with appletinis and tequila. When they are suitably bombed, encourage them to buddy up to you by telling you stories of their outrageous behavior. (Important – turn on your smartphone's voice recorder. You won’t remember it all.) Once you have obtained sufficient leveragible intelligence, your work has been done. You will now have them in your pocket for the remainder of your tenure. All that’s left to do is one last thing. Let it be known that promotion to “direct report” status will be given to the first Millennial to utterly destroy Hadley’s reputation online.
Voila! All of your major problems are solved. Happy 2015 everybody.
For more of the “CIO Funnies”, check out “The Greatest CIO Interview of All Time” and “Great wearable devices you didn’t see at CES”.
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