Great wearable devices you didn’t see at CES
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- Written by Dave Carey
Sometimes we tech writers get advanced peeks at digital gadgets that the general public – and yes, even CIOs – won’t have a chance to get their mitts on for months or even years. That was never more evident than at CES earlier this month when a phalanx of large and serious-looking men – Navy SEALs, I took them to be – escorted me and a few fellow scribes into a highly restricted area that CES producers won’t even admit exists; the place where tomorrow’s tech toys strut their stuff today.
This year, Fortress Future, as we call it, housed some jaw-dropping prototypes of wearable technology that I’m prevented by non-disclosure to speak about. But hey, these NDA breaches take years to work their way through the courts, and I’m not going to live forever.
And besides, when I think about my CIO readers, who must somehow find ways of riding herd on this stuff when it’s strapped, clipped, inserted or otherwise affixed to those legions of fresh-faced young employees strolling through the company doors, I feel a certain obligation to spill the digital beans, so to speak.
So lend an ear, CIOs. Here’s what’s coming at you in the not too distant future.
Of course we’ve all heard of that icon of wearable technology, Google Glass. Well, the lab boys at Google have come up with a companion device that will be hitting the shelves in Q1, 2015. It’s a slick little unit that slips easily into a rear pocket, called Google Ass. It is equipped with a small periscope that links via Near Field Communication to its Google Glass companion, providing wearers a 180o view of their buttockal area. Users can stroll the busiest street with complete confidence, knowing that would-be pickpockets and ass-grabbers will be caught in the act before any violation can occur. Feeling paranoid? Google Ass will determine once and for all whether or not you are being followed. A built-in flatulence toxicity meter alerts wearers, via a flashing red light in Google Glass, that their silent gift is about to go public, allowing them to make a discrete withdrawal from the affected area.
Not to be outdone, Apple is putting the finishing touches on Version One of the iPants, which this pundit rightly predicted in an earlier blog Stop poking the CIO in the I. The iPants offers all the great features and apps available on the latest iPads, only in trousers form. No need to lug around a cumbersome piece of hardware – simply use the handy touch screen on your thigh, or type messages on the virtual “krotchboard” (patent pending). But wait, there’s more. Apple also demoed the sensational iPants Air, which clothes users in a complete pair of virtual pants which can change colour, pattern, style and texture on demand. iPants Air allows the wearer to go about his or her day completely “au naturel” from the waist down. One downside – this power-hungry device has a battery life of 10 hours, so users wearing iPad Air to the office will need to avoid rush-hour traffic, especially if they take public transit.
Finally, a major US agency, whose name I really can’t reveal (includes the letters ICA), is commercializing an amazing little device the size of a peanut, called the Eargasm 5000. Worn like a hearing aid, the device is said to magnify certain sounds almost infinitely. As the marketing bumph says, “With the Eargasm 5000 you can hear a gnat with sore feet landing on Neptune.” What is perhaps most interesting about the device is that it can be programmed to zero in on conversations containing the wearer’s name. I was, of course, highly skeptical about all this until I tried the device for myself. And I want to say – Harold Baxter, Dwayne Hodgson, Margaret Dinning and everyone on the Lucky Strikers Bowling Team, you are no longer my friends.
Well, there you have it, CIOs and other assorted readers – a scribe’s eye view of the latest and greatest wearable technology, coming soon to an acne-covered intern near you.
I must be getting old. I remember when high-tech wearables meant permanent-press shirts.
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Air Canada Vacations - Director IT
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